Red Alert 3 Comprehensive Review

[LegalSmash]

Okay, I'll try to be as thorough and brief as possible as I finish my strawberry yogurt.

After months and months of hand wringing bullshit, EA through some brain fart on the part of one of their executives decided STEAM would be the cure to their flagging sales of PC games due to their DRM caused woes. Well, while they had the right idea, they still at the initial time of STEAM launch insisted on sending the steam downloadable with all the DRM of the original and charging the introductory price as opposed to the price the store purchased versions were on sale for. Two months and two patches later, EA, after cutting enough chickens heads off with Tim Geithner has determined that removing DRM from RA3, as well as making the steam version Sans Securom post patches, was a good idea… and it took that entire first paragraph of history to explain why I shelled out 29.99 in the height of the depression of the economy to buy the game.
This review will focus on the PC version of the game… RTS should not be played on console, unless said console has keyboard and mouse attachment, and I know this from personal experience, as I once proudly owned and played PS version of red alert aftermath retaliation because my grandmother’s “tandy” computer made circa 1987 could not handle the astounding effects. I heard the new PS3 edition is fully upgraded, comes with the expansion, but despite PS3’s ability to use a mouse and keyboard, EA decided to “optimize for console control” by which they mean they want to avoid whatever would make sense like using a keyboard and insist instead on pouring milk all over their game’s controls and then putting it in the microwave with a lot of tin foil… again, EA seems to be on PCP.

As for the game, I will rate this on a scale of 5, the highest being a 5, for simplicity.
Graphx 3.5, pretty, but if you really look seems like a cross between generals, cc3, and red alert 2 art, themes, and unit designs.
Unit variety and faction experience 5, they really shown here, and I feel confident about this score… this game really made me content in this category
Campaign 4.5 at 9 missions each, plus co op, I cannot complain.
Multiplayer 4 Gamespy is not really my favorite means of game play, but it will do, co op is a nice addition when playing with others
Gameplay 4.5 (see review)
Overall I give the game a 4, and let me explain why.

Graphically, RA3 is lovely, it is truly a beautiful game, albeit cartoony and humorously drawn and tailored to make fun of everything it is and represents. I don’t understand how the hell EA’s auto setting BS tells me to use it on low, I changed all settings to high and the game ran beautifully on my first few missions, and I suffered no slowdown in game, even in particularly heavy moments of action. They can say whatever the hell they want, but aside from the water effects, to me, this game appears to be at the level of a 64 MB card, and that’s about it, its cartoony and the camera is not the same 3d zoom style camera that you get in Sup com or any of the incarnations of dawn of war. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but like a high school girl longing to be laid who scares the guys off by talking about her horse fucking fetish, EA doesn’t do itself a very good deed by telling its customer base that their experience will suck unless they have a 8800GT and/or that their game requires Crysis level graphics hardware.
This game honestly looks a great deal like an artistically interpreted cross between red alert 2, generals, and cc3, except very well defined. Unit colors are well saturated and vivid, backgrounds and water are gorgeous and model detail is amazing, especially at “high” and “ultrahigh” settings. In short, the game’s visuals are there in a big way. Each army has its own feel and look, and it goes well to visually differentiate the armies.

As for game play, let me start by saying that for the past 4-5 months since the game’s release, I have mulled over review over review over review which appear on various sites, trying to get a good grasp on the game, and waiting for the inevitable price drops. I laugh heartily when someone complains that the series is “not serious enough” or “is childish” or “is making fun of itself”… Red Alert is In essence, one giant spoof on the cold war… part two finally lived up to what I’d hoped for in a game… retarded, overly gaudy soviet uniforms, allied weaponry that borders on sorcery as to its complexity and arcane nature and soviet contraption weapons that are as dangerous to the user as to the intended target… this is what the producers at westwood wanted when they were making the game… something FUN. If you seriously need a game with large breasted females and tim curry playing a world leader to be serious, I really am going to need you to step away from the “Srsly juice” and go play company of heroes. Hell, even the argument that CC3 is more serious is ludicrous… you are fighting a pseudo religious nutjob over radioactive crystals and mutants… let that one simmer in your head.. it sounds like a stargate episode… not a serious discussion on foreign policy.

This being said, this game in my opinion is great fun… It makes fun of everything that people over 21 had grown up with to an extent… If you remember the end of the cold war, or the cold war in general, movies like Red Dawn, and “Pro-US/AntiCommie movies” like American Ninja, Rambo, Any chuck Norris film before the wall fell, etc. This will make you laugh and reminisce to a time when we (yes I did this in 1987, my first year in school for prekindergarten) would hide under our desks for the ONE nuclear safety drill at my school two days before Christmas Break (Yes, back then they would call it Christmas).
This game seriously made me laugh and almost cherish those often well intended, but ultimately somewhat hilarious aspects of Americana from the 1946- 1990 era.
Soviets are depicted as bumbling, slow witted, ham fisted schmucks that cannot make a scheme work out if their collective vodka addled brains were all to actually work on something together, their technology is brutish, shitty, and plentiful, and Tim Curry and Peter Stormare make a great comedic team. Russian land units are pound for pound the best in the game, heavily armored, armed, and slow as balls to match.
The allies are as they’ve been in past games tech and defense driven, with tits and ass galore… this game seems to attempt to make fun of racial unity, as some units, including the javelin missile troops sound like Nelly or Lil Wayne and if they were to be any more ethnic they would not come out of a barracks, but a footlocker in the hood. The allies have superiority in airpower units, and their infantry, despite its hood tendency, is actually fairly reliable.

The Japs… and I will call them that because that Rising Sun bullshit is a bit long to type, and I’ve only seen Japs, no Chinese, Koreans, or Pinoys… are a tech heavy, unit sparse faction that act and feel like a huge masturbation session for a whole lot of japanophile weeaboos on EALA’s design team. I love the fact that rather than attempting to make the army some sort of seriously “Asian” style army, it’s a big gag on anime, manga, hentai, and a bit of bukkakke, a whole lot of jap culture, with little soy sauce.
Almost all Jap units transform in some way, pop out of the ground, and mispronounce L’s R’s and probably cannot say “Alfonso” very well. Their sea units are ridiculously powerful, and their entire army save to structures, much like trailer parks, are mobile.
The armies play well against one another, with each army’s strength playing well off the other’s weaknesses, and vice versa. Thankfully, the game’s units have enough variety to ensure a decently lengthy life to the game replay. This is definitely not the RA1 where each army variant had the exact same units, except for differing values as to unit strength and armor… I welcome this change.
The game has serious downsides for some players, the game play is preserved straight from part 2 of red alert, or any of the CC series… get “enter substance here” use it to build units, roll opponent. Strategy wise, this game is stuck in 2000, and it seems to be best played in that way… RA, CC in general, have a very old RTS style that focuses on build and destroy enemy… rather than take, hold, and tactics. This being said, do not expect a company of heroes or dawn of war style experience… this game is familiar, like a relative tucking you in at night, and really does not push the envelope on ingenuity very far. Cover is nonexistent but for garrisoning buildings, game physics are there so far as needed to let rocks and buildings fall naturally, and the interface has not changed from yuri’s revenge.
I can’t really argue with the decision to change the script up in this game though, I am actually happy with the decision NOT to overcomplicate what is an old, but proven, formula of working factors.
DOW2 decided to try the innovation avenue, and they crashed right into a fucking light pole… most dow 1 players, including myself, do not feel the game really lives up to its predecessor…. RA3, rather than try to live up to and surpass its predecessor, rehashes it in a much more stylized fashion… which if you don’t mind a bit of familiarity for 29.99, its not a bad purchase… on the other hand, there are a LOT of RTS games out there doing new and bold things… EA played it safe by not kicking too far out from the nest, especially since CC3 and its update were not as well received as they would have liked it to be.
Given the cost of games today, and the tech requirements for many of them, and the virtual void in RTS genre for decent titles until SC2 (Supposedly) releases… this is not a bad hold over…. I’m honestly happy with the game because I did not expect some sort of revolutionary change… and I read up on it as much as possible. STEAM made this game worth getting for me, one night of downloading, no installation, and no CD key registry mess, all with no taxes added. I cannot say that I am disappointed at all, but rather content with this purchase.

[Frostbyte]

Great review, I was thinking about buying this, and now I might.

[Suri]

I may get this game now due to your review. I loved all the early C&C games. And had been wanting to buy this game, but never heard much feedback on it. And did not think any one here had it.

If I can get it for a really good price I will pick it up.

[VirDeBello]

I am dowbloading the game right now cant wait to try it when i get off work.....been working tweleve hours -_-

[Suri]

Ok I just got the game. I am going to install it later tonight. Hope some people may want to play.

[Tcp-Kill]

I'll play some, i havn't played in ages. Maybe we can get a good game going?

[Neo]

I might get it, been playing the older verisions alot before and i loved them!

And thanks alot for the review, u made me change my mind about the game :D